It went well, I think. My therapist’s name is Janet and she’s nice. Wants to try to make behavioural changes to help cope with anxiety. I go back again in 3 weeks.
A lot has happened. Single and ready to pringle. Trying to stay positive amidst a very stressful time. Seeking help for my anxiety problems. I just want to take this year to completely love myself. Inside and out.
I had gained a lot of weight back. Dad has been sick and I stress eat. I got back up to 187 pounds. Thankfully, I’ve lost 17 pounds in the past couple of months. I think a lot of it has to do with me working a lot more hours. I’m too busy to eat and my job requires me to be on my feet at all times. And I still exercise on top of that. I’ve gone from wearing an xl in pants to wearing a medium. I stillha e to wesr large and extra large shirrs because my boobs refuse to shrink. 😦
Hopefully, by summer time I’ll be back to being muscular and lean.
The runt (Daisy) has been the last to go and she is going to her new home within the next week! Everyone else has been spayed and neutered, so I don’t have to worry about that any longer. It cost around $250 for Babs to be spayed (she also has to have ear drops and tapeworm medicine) so I’m glad I saved up for it. Especially since I have other bills to pay and I’m trying to find a place to rent. Sigh. Being an adult is expensive.
So, Brian and I are still not living together because whoa there is seriously nowhere to live in Harlan. So we’ve been weighing the options of moving out of town, but still close so we can visit my family and his daughter. It’s a little disappointing that we can’t find a place, but then again, maybe it’s a good thing that we’re having to wait so we don’t have to settle for a dump. And I’m fine with that, we still get to spend time together, just not as much as either of us would like.
I ran my very first 5k on Saturday. It was a Color Run for the Relay For Life. My legs are still kind of sore as I’ve never ran that far for that amount of time. plus, it was uphill, downhill, and everything between. Yay for living in the mountains.
Afterward, I chopped all of my hair off again and dyed my bangs pink and lavender. Also, since March, I’ve not been eating red meat (I only eat fish and poultry) and some days I go without meat, period. It feel a lot better and I don’t run the risk of my blood sugar bottoming out like on Keto. I need to get more motivated to work out, though. I just have a lot more responsibility to adhere to than I did last year. Not surprisingly, it takes a lot of time and effort to care for 9 cats and a dog.
So, in a month or so, I’ll be living with my boyfriend. Sooner is much better than later because I’m going insane. My mom made me move my cats to my sister’s basement so I’m really upset about that. I miss my babies. 😦
But I am on the hunt for apartments that are pet-friendly. Honestly, if I can find one that is cheaper on rent and we could afford it now, I would move now. I’m tired of feeling like shit and not being able to actually have anything of my own and being forced to give up the only other living things I care about (apart from my boyfriend and stuff you know). It’s like, having to give up my children or something. I had a fucking panic attack when I was cleaning everything and gathering them up to leave. I just had to sit down for a bit because I couldn’t breathe or think or anything. Which, I need to tell my sister to stop looking for people to take the kittens. I just don’t know how to tell my parents because I know what their reaction will be: they tell me what a whore I am that I’m making a huge mistake, that I’m going to regret it blah blah. But really, we do plan on getting married, hell he keeps telling me how much he wants to have kids with me. To which I’m like haha we can hold off on that for a while because nope. Do not want anything to be coming from my vagina for a while. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to convince him to let me help pay rent and everything because he goes to pieces when I don’t let him buy me dinner or coffee. It does make me feel nice that he wants to do things like that for me, though.
Honestly, my biggest thing is that I have a feeling that my parents are going to ask to borrow money from me and I don’t have money to let them borrow. Annnnnnnd I know that my mom will make me feel like shit for it. Hell, she paid a $40 vet bill that I specifically told her not to pay and for them to bill me and she wouldn’t stop berating me for the money until I made enough to pay her back. I mean, $40 isn’t much, but I had my loan due at the same time and my phone bill so I wanted to be extra sure I had enough left over from those things first. However, they went into debt in order to financially support my brother for two months and still occasionally give him money for food and gas. And what does he do? Goes to Pigeon Forge last weekend. Not a fuss raised toward him, though. It just sucks how much of a difference my parents make between my brother, sister, and I. My brother…the sun practically shines out of his ass. My sister was treated a little less better. But I’m basically the biggest fuck up ever. I’m treated as a joke. Like my opinions don’t matter. And I’m not allowed to express any feeling if it doesn’t comply with what my mother wants me to feel. I had to drop out of school because while studying and doing coursework my mother would constantly barge into my bedroom and tell me to look at this or that or watch this video or look what I made. The straw that broke the camels back was the night before my math final. There was a leak in the roof over my bed so I had to sleep on the sofa what does she do? Stay up until 2 am playing youtube videos really loud and telling me to watch. While I’m laying down. With blankets over my head. I had to wake up at 6 to take my final and I had maybe an hour of sleep so I decided to not go. I tried to reschedule, but the proctor never responded to my calls or emails.
School…I may put off going back until I can control my migraines because I think I would be able to focus a lot better. This post is very erratic. I’m just trying to get my thoughts out, though.
But yes. Apartment. Cats. Getting married. School. My head hurts (as always).
Since July, actually haaaaa. Well Let’s see. Since then I have adopted a cat (her name is Babs) who just so happened to be pregnant. She had her kittens (5 of them!) this past Sunday! Here are some pictures:
They are so little and soft and she is oddly okay with us holding them. Babs was even trying to get my dog to look at them , I think. Babs just kept loving on her then walking to the kittens and looking back at her. It was adorable. Babs was like, “look at what I made!!!” Such a proud little mama.
I have been dating literally the sweetest guy ever. Which is weird considering we’ve been friends for kind of a long time so it was a little shocking at first. And Jesus, did I fall fast. But it’s been wonderful and I wouldn’t trade him for anything in the universe. Even the cool stuff that we don’t even know about which is most of the universe. He is just so sweet and wonderful and dfks;ahflkasdhg;as…ugh I love him.
Oh yeah, I also went to DragonCon over Labor Day weekend as always. And I started school the week before that. I’ve done fairly well. Passed English 101 and Foundations of Learning so I’m on to English 102 and Intro to Psychology. They’re sort of fast paced courses. I’m glad I’m getting a lot done. Sadly, however, I suck at math so I really need to work harder in that area. Perhaps even purchase the tutoring services that are provided to online students.
Hot diggity damn this feels awesome. I’m down 65 lbs (to 130 lbs now) and I can now wear a size five pants comfortably. I know weight and pant size don’t define you but damn it can make you feel pretty good. I’ve come a LONG way from what I was. I exercise daily. I eat right (for the most part) and I generally just feel so much better.
I had started running, but shin splints have had me off for a few days. Not to mention the whole remodeling the house thing.
Either way I’m hoping to meet my goal weight of 120 by the time dragon con rolls around. That leaves me with a little over a month to lose 10 lbs and if I try hard enough I think I can make it. I’ve just got to cut out cheat days. Which are generally every Saturday. I’ll still keep the carbs at 30 grams instead of 20 grams because I’d really rather not almost pass out again as that was scary and not to mention embarrassing. I was in the middle of old navy and I guess my blood sugar got too low and everything got really fuzzy and my legs felt like led and I was really, really dizzy. My face turned white as a sheet along with my lips and under my eyes were black and purple looking. Scared me enough I went straight to Golden Corral and wolfed down some rolls. But yeah the day after that I started adding more fruit to my diet. I am, at least going for complex carbs instead of refined, simple carbs. I think a lot of what happened has to do with genetics. My mothers blood sugar randomly bottoms out sometimes. I always get the shitty problems that she has. All her allergies and apparently her low blood sugar. Well, at least I also got her legs. We got some bangin’ legs.
I think I’ve rambled on enough.
Got “punched” by Batman @ Fanboy Expo in Knoxville, TN
I now weigh in at 135 pounds, down 60 pounds from 195. I’ve gone from a size 15/16 to a size 8/9. From XXL shirts to mediums. From hating the way I look to not being nervous about wearing bikinis in public or shirts with no sleeves or shorts or skirts…I just have so much more confidence.
I’ve got some nice comparison photos, too.
And these were taken a couple weeks ago:
The after pics aren’t that great quality because my phone sucks, but I tried to lighten them up a bit.
I’m so very proud of myself. I probably annoy the hell out of people, but I can’t help it. I’m still so amazed that I’ve completely transformed my body in less than 6 months. I’m amazed that clothes that I got just this past Christmas completely falls off of me. I’m amazed that I’ve gotten as small as I was when I was 16. I literally haven’t been this small in 7 years. And now I feel old wow.