It went well, I think. My therapist’s name is Janet and she’s nice. Wants to try to make behavioural changes to help cope with anxiety. I go back again in 3 weeks.
A lot has happened. Single and ready to pringle. Trying to stay positive amidst a very stressful time. Seeking help for my anxiety problems. I just want to take this year to completely love myself. Inside and out.
So, in a month or so, I’ll be living with my boyfriend. Sooner is much better than later because I’m going insane. My mom made me move my cats to my sister’s basement so I’m really upset about that. I miss my babies. 😦
But I am on the hunt for apartments that are pet-friendly. Honestly, if I can find one that is cheaper on rent and we could afford it now, I would move now. I’m tired of feeling like shit and not being able to actually have anything of my own and being forced to give up the only other living things I care about (apart from my boyfriend and stuff you know). It’s like, having to give up my children or something. I had a fucking panic attack when I was cleaning everything and gathering them up to leave. I just had to sit down for a bit because I couldn’t breathe or think or anything. Which, I need to tell my sister to stop looking for people to take the kittens. I just don’t know how to tell my parents because I know what their reaction will be: they tell me what a whore I am that I’m making a huge mistake, that I’m going to regret it blah blah. But really, we do plan on getting married, hell he keeps telling me how much he wants to have kids with me. To which I’m like haha we can hold off on that for a while because nope. Do not want anything to be coming from my vagina for a while. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to convince him to let me help pay rent and everything because he goes to pieces when I don’t let him buy me dinner or coffee. It does make me feel nice that he wants to do things like that for me, though.
Honestly, my biggest thing is that I have a feeling that my parents are going to ask to borrow money from me and I don’t have money to let them borrow. Annnnnnnd I know that my mom will make me feel like shit for it. Hell, she paid a $40 vet bill that I specifically told her not to pay and for them to bill me and she wouldn’t stop berating me for the money until I made enough to pay her back. I mean, $40 isn’t much, but I had my loan due at the same time and my phone bill so I wanted to be extra sure I had enough left over from those things first. However, they went into debt in order to financially support my brother for two months and still occasionally give him money for food and gas. And what does he do? Goes to Pigeon Forge last weekend. Not a fuss raised toward him, though. It just sucks how much of a difference my parents make between my brother, sister, and I. My brother…the sun practically shines out of his ass. My sister was treated a little less better. But I’m basically the biggest fuck up ever. I’m treated as a joke. Like my opinions don’t matter. And I’m not allowed to express any feeling if it doesn’t comply with what my mother wants me to feel. I had to drop out of school because while studying and doing coursework my mother would constantly barge into my bedroom and tell me to look at this or that or watch this video or look what I made. The straw that broke the camels back was the night before my math final. There was a leak in the roof over my bed so I had to sleep on the sofa what does she do? Stay up until 2 am playing youtube videos really loud and telling me to watch. While I’m laying down. With blankets over my head. I had to wake up at 6 to take my final and I had maybe an hour of sleep so I decided to not go. I tried to reschedule, but the proctor never responded to my calls or emails.
School…I may put off going back until I can control my migraines because I think I would be able to focus a lot better. This post is very erratic. I’m just trying to get my thoughts out, though.
But yes. Apartment. Cats. Getting married. School. My head hurts (as always).
Today was a good day. My sister, her husband, our friend Chas, and I made our way to Knoxville, TN to Fanboy Expo! And of course I had myself a little treat day to reward myself for working over 30 hours in 3 days. And also I’ve lost 57 lbs. down to 138 now!!! Besides that got to see Nicholas Brendon for the third time in my life and he made fun of our accents. I love him. Lol. I bought some nifty pins at the convention. Also got a nice picture with Batman..it looks like he’s punching me. Will upload later. Afterwards we went to Target which just so happened to have a Starbucks in it. I finally got to try the mocha cookie crumble frappucino. It was delicious.
Then it was to the mall. Got me some shirts and a hat.
Even though I’ve had tons of sugar today I am really tired. Also my eyes are swelling up cause we stopped at Norris Lake and played around a bit. Pollen is a bitch.
Chicken breast strips fried in butter with tomatoes, cilantro, and just a tad bit of lemon juice. Seasoned with Cajun spices and onion powder because I forgot to buy an actual onion. Woops. Still tasted marvelous.
I’ve lost 41 lbs so far and I now fit into a size 10/11 which makes me feel pretty awesome. I’ve also lost some boobage. I’ve gone from busting out of a 38DD down to a 36D cup. This also feels amazing. I can buy cute bras now!!!
I’ve been playing Kinect Adventures a lot for exercise. I’ve downloaded a Zumba demo and I will start that as soon as I get my nerve up. I’m not going to lie–Zumba makes me a bit nervous. Perhaps after work, I’ll conquer my nervousness. I’ve been cleaning literally all day today. Thankfully that burns calories. It also get my room clean haha. Everything is almost done I still have a few things to organize–like my massive amounts of shoes. I have given a lot of my shoes away and have dwindle down to just 30+ pairs instead of having over 70 pairs of shoes. I’m proud of myself for the willpower to give up shoes. Wow, this blog post is all over the place, then again, so am I. A note on the weight loss, a lot of people have been noticing and asking me how I’ve been losing all the weight and it feels so nice that people actually notice the change.
As I stated above I’ve been cleaning literally all day long. My dog apparently thought that I was leaving due to the extensive cleaning. While I was sorting through some clothes she climbed in my lap and whined for the longest time, she has followed me everywhere–even to the bathroom. She even laid on top of some of my things I was sorting through. I suppose that was an attempt to keep me here. Even now she is asleep beside of me. My dog is far too smart for her own good. I kind of feel bad that I’m going to be gone for a week in September for vacation. Poor thing will be beside herself. This is why I love her though. She’s smart and obviously very caring. I don’t know what I’d do without her.
I figured I could do this in my spare time and make a little extra money. http://kpt13.spreadshirt.com/ <—go forth and click this link! I only have a few shirts made up for now, but I will continue to put other things in my shop as well. I hope if anyone sees this, they enjoy what they’re lookin’ at. 😀
Seriously this is getting annoying. My muscles ache, I’m missing work, and I just plain feel terrible. On the brighter side of things today, I found out that KEF (Kentucky Equality Federation) has launched a petition on change.org to include LGBTI in the amendment of the Civil Rights act. I plan on signing it as soon as change.org stops glitching and lets me sign it. Here is the petition for anyone who is reading my blog and wants to sign it. Which, really. you should sign it. If not, then you’re an asshole. Just sayin’!
Well that’s all for now. I’m going to try to eat some breakfast. Hopefully I can hold it down.
Edit: Change.org is working fine now. Yay! now go sign that petition!
It’s so super short I love it. I bet I could totally have a faux hawk! I am so excited about that!!!!! I shall post pictures later on as it is almost midnight now and I just generally don’t feel like taking pictures. I’ve had a bath and my makeup is all washed off. That is most certainly not going to be a pretty picture. Tomorrow, though.
It just feels so nice to not have all of that hair. All of that dead, fried up feeling hair. Plus, freshly cut hair feels amazing anyhow. My mom actually likes it too. She’s generally not too happy about me cutting my hair short, but she actually likes this on me, so that says something about how good it must look. Well, that’s it for now.