So, in a month or so, I’ll be living with my boyfriend. Sooner is much better than later because I’m going insane. My mom made me move my cats to my sister’s basement so I’m really upset about that. I miss my babies. 😦
But I am on the hunt for apartments that are pet-friendly. Honestly, if I can find one that is cheaper on rent and we could afford it now, I would move now. I’m tired of feeling like shit and not being able to actually have anything of my own and being forced to give up the only other living things I care about (apart from my boyfriend and stuff you know). It’s like, having to give up my children or something. I had a fucking panic attack when I was cleaning everything and gathering them up to leave. I just had to sit down for a bit because I couldn’t breathe or think or anything. Which, I need to tell my sister to stop looking for people to take the kittens. I just don’t know how to tell my parents because I know what their reaction will be: they tell me what a whore I am that I’m making a huge mistake, that I’m going to regret it blah blah. But really, we do plan on getting married, hell he keeps telling me how much he wants to have kids with me. To which I’m like haha we can hold off on that for a while because nope. Do not want anything to be coming from my vagina for a while. I just don’t know how I’m ever going to convince him to let me help pay rent and everything because he goes to pieces when I don’t let him buy me dinner or coffee. It does make me feel nice that he wants to do things like that for me, though.
Honestly, my biggest thing is that I have a feeling that my parents are going to ask to borrow money from me and I don’t have money to let them borrow. Annnnnnnd I know that my mom will make me feel like shit for it. Hell, she paid a $40 vet bill that I specifically told her not to pay and for them to bill me and she wouldn’t stop berating me for the money until I made enough to pay her back. I mean, $40 isn’t much, but I had my loan due at the same time and my phone bill so I wanted to be extra sure I had enough left over from those things first. However, they went into debt in order to financially support my brother for two months and still occasionally give him money for food and gas. And what does he do? Goes to Pigeon Forge last weekend. Not a fuss raised toward him, though. It just sucks how much of a difference my parents make between my brother, sister, and I. My brother…the sun practically shines out of his ass. My sister was treated a little less better. But I’m basically the biggest fuck up ever. I’m treated as a joke. Like my opinions don’t matter. And I’m not allowed to express any feeling if it doesn’t comply with what my mother wants me to feel. I had to drop out of school because while studying and doing coursework my mother would constantly barge into my bedroom and tell me to look at this or that or watch this video or look what I made. The straw that broke the camels back was the night before my math final. There was a leak in the roof over my bed so I had to sleep on the sofa what does she do? Stay up until 2 am playing youtube videos really loud and telling me to watch. While I’m laying down. With blankets over my head. I had to wake up at 6 to take my final and I had maybe an hour of sleep so I decided to not go. I tried to reschedule, but the proctor never responded to my calls or emails.
School…I may put off going back until I can control my migraines because I think I would be able to focus a lot better. This post is very erratic. I’m just trying to get my thoughts out, though.
But yes. Apartment. Cats. Getting married. School. My head hurts (as always).